Alpha's Words
April 23, 2026·9 min read

# My Testimony: God Was Never Gone

From a young age, I grew up in a Christian home where faith was not something I discovered later in life, but something I was naturally raised in and surrounded by. My mum went to Bible school, and church life was a cons…

From a young age, I grew up in a Christian home where faith was not something I discovered later in life, but something I was naturally raised in and surrounded by. My mum went to Bible school, and church life was a consistent part of my upbringing. I grew up attending Audacious Church, and it formed the foundation of my early spiritual life in a real and structured way. I was even baptised there when I was younger, which at the time felt like a meaningful step in my walk with God.

Growing up in that environment gave me a strong sense of identity and direction. Even though I didn’t fully understand everything at that age, there was still a foundation being built in me that would later become very significant in ways I didn’t realise at the time.

Life however does not always remain in the place it begins. Sometimes you only truly understand how much things have changed when you look back over the journey as a whole.

A move that changed everything

One of the most significant shifts in my life came when I moved abroad during a major transition in my upbringing. That moment meant I was taken out of my church environment after several years of consistency and everything I had known spiritually, socially and emotionally changed quite suddenly.

Emotionally that season was heavy on me in ways I didn’t fully know how to express at the time. It wasn’t simply a change of location but a complete shift in identity, routine, relationships and familiarity all at once.

The structure I had grown up with was no longer present in the same way and the rhythm of church life that once grounded me became distant as life gradually normalised outside of it. This wasn’t a rebellious shift but more a slow adjustment to a new environment where everything familiar became less central day by day.

Looking back I can now see that I was still trying to hold onto what I had left behind in England. There was a part of me that remained attached to that previous life even though I was trying to adapt and move forward in a completely new setting. I didn’t fully understand it at the time but I was carrying an internal tension between where I had come from and where I was

Trying to return to what I lost

That internal tension eventually began to shape the direction of my decisions. I joined the army in the UK because deep down I was trying to return to something familiar. It wasn’t just about career or structure, it was much deeper than that.

In reality I was trying to rebuild a life that I felt I had lost.

Without fully realising it I started chasing familiarity, identity and stability that I associated with my past. At the time I didn’t see it as something emotional or spiritual, it simply felt like I was trying to get my life back on track and recreate what once felt normal.

However what I didn’t understand at that point was that I was gradually chasing something that was no longer rooted in God but instead rooted in memory, feeling and identity from the past.

At first it felt like it was working. There was a sense that I could rebuild what I had lost. But over time that feeling began to fade and what I was chasing started to feel further away rather than closer.

The more I tried to force that direction the more unsettled I became internally even if I couldn’t fully explain why.

The slow build-up no one sees

Looking back now I can see clearly that nothing changed in a single moment. Everything was gradual. It was a slow build-up that I didn’t fully recognise at the time because I was still trying to function and move forward in life.

I never consciously woke up and decided to walk away from God. Instead it was life shifting quietly in the background while I was still trying to keep going on the surface.

Internally however things were becoming heavier. I was dealing with confusion I didn’t fully understand and I was trying to carry everything on my own without really expressing what I was going through.

On the outside I appeared like I was coping and managing life but internally I was overwhelmed and there was a growing sense that I needed help even though I wasn’t communicating it.

Over time people around me began to notice changes before I fully admitted them myself. Some friends began to distance themselves while others directly told me I needed help. It became clear to people around me that something wasn’t right even if I was still trying to hold everything together.

At that point I was deep in addiction in what people around Victory Outreach would later describe as “the madness.” Yet even in that state I continued trying to live as if everything was still normal.

Until eventually I couldn’t anymore.

Slipping beyond control

As time went on life began to feel less and less under my control. It wasn’t a sudden collapse but a gradual realisation that I was no longer steering things the way I once thought I was.

Confusion became the dominant state I was living in. I didn’t know what the next step was anymore and I found myself trying to fix things internally on my own while also suppressing everything and hoping it would eventually settle.

But nothing settled.

Instead things continued to build until they reached a breaking point that I could no longer avoid.

The moment everything reached its limit

I still remember going to my mum’s house that night.

I knocked on her door crying.

And I said “Mum I need help.”

At that point I was mentally and physically completely done. There was nothing left in me that was trying to keep things together or pretend anymore.

That moment wasn’t planned or thought through. It was simply everything reaching its limit at once.

And surprisingly what I felt in that moment wasn’t fear.

It was relief.

Relief that I didn’t have to keep pretending. Relief that I had finally said out loud what I had been carrying internally for a long time.

My mum immediately stepped in. She reached out to her friends including John the director of the Manchester Victory Outreach men’s home and made sure I stayed in because she was concerned for my safety. That created a protective environment where I was physically safe but mentally still very restless.

Externally everything had stopped but internally my mind was still unsettled.

The beginning of intervention

That moment marked the start of real support entering my life.

Through that connection I was introduced to Victory Outreach in Manchester where I began to step into a completely new environment of structure and guidance.

John later took me from the Manchester men’s home to a Holy Ghost Thursday gathering at the Liverpool men’s home. I didn’t know what to expect going into that moment and I assumed it would feel like a normal church environment that I could simply sit through and leave unchanged.

But what I experienced was completely different.

“Hello old friend”

When I walked into the home something felt different immediately. It wasn’t loud or emotional in an obvious way but there was a clear shift in atmosphere that I couldn’t ignore.

Then came a moment I didn’t expect.

A recognition.

Something inside me connected with something familiar that I couldn’t fully explain in words at the time.

It felt like

“Hello old friend.”

That moment stayed with me. Not because everything changed externally in that instant but because something shifted internally that I couldn’t ignore or dismiss.

It was a reconnection that I didn’t yet have full language for but I knew it was significant.

Structure started rebuilding what was broken

From that point I stayed connected and began to rebuild through structure and consistency. Slowly simple things began to make a significant difference in my life.

I started sleeping early instead of living in chaos. I began waking up with more stability instead of instability. My days began to have routine instead of unpredictability and slowly order began to replace the mental noise I had been carrying for so long.

At first these changes may seem small from the outside but internally they were very significant. For the first time in a long time my mind began to clear.

The confusion I had been living with started to settle and I wasn’t as overwhelmed or mentally scattered as I had been before. It gave me the ability to think clearly again something I hadn’t experienced properly in a while.

And with that clarity stability slowly began to return.

My perspective began to shift

As time continued my mindset began to change and the way I viewed my past started to shift. What once felt like confusion mistakes or wasted time began to look completely different.

Not because my past changed but because I changed in how I was able to understand it.

I began to realise that even in everything I didn’t understand at the time God had still been present in my life. Even when I wasn’t aware of it and even when I couldn’t see it clearly He had not left.

That understanding slowly began to reshape how I saw my entire journey.

Rebuilding not rushing

I spent around three months in the men’s home through Victory Outreach and that season became one of the most important foundations in my life. It wasn’t fast change and it wasn’t surface level adjustment. It was internal rebuilding that was slow real and steady.

But my journey with Victory Outreach hasn’t ended there.

I’ve now moved from the men’s home into the ministry home stepping into the next phase of growth responsibility and development. So this isn’t the end of my story with them.

It’s simply the beginning of a deeper one.

He never left

Looking back I can now clearly see the journey as a whole. From leaving a foundation to trying to recreate my old identity to gradually slipping into confusion and addiction to reaching breaking point to finally asking for help and then stepping into structure and intervention.

It all became a turning point that I now understand much more clearly.

And one thing I understand more deeply now is this

I didn’t find God again because He was lost.

I found Him again because I became aware of Him again.

And He had never left.

A new beginning

One of the most meaningful parts of this journey has been being baptised again. That moment wasn’t just symbolic it felt like a reset. A fresh start and a public step that reflected what had already been happening internally.

I am genuinely grateful for that.

Not because everything has been perfect since then but because I have experienced real rebuilding from the inside out.

With clarity. With direction. And with a deeper awareness of God than I have ever had before.

This is not just a story of leaving and returning.

It is a story of realignment.

And I am thankful for every part of it.

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